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Help! My spouse feels jealous after we had our baby

Chidimma OladipupoBaby, Commitment, Communication, Emotional Health, Family, Help, Husband, Life, Lifestyle, Marriage, Motherhood, Mothers, Parenting, Partnership, Raising Children, Relationship, Relationships, Well-being, Wife Leave a Comment

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Having a baby is a blessing! But then it comes with a lot of real-life responsibilities and experiences that look nothing cute or adorable like babies. 

You and your partner have just found out you are expecting, oh! the joy you both feel is out of this world. You are so happy that you schedule a visit to the hospital to make sure you and your baby are doing great. You share the good news with your family and close friends, and you begin shopping for baby essentials, doing all that is required of you while waiting for the arrival of your baby.

Finally, the baby is here, you two are so happy to welcome your little one to the world and introduce him to your loved ones. Everything is great, but a few months down the line, things seem to feel really strained between you and your partner, and you begin to wonder what has changed?

You feel your needs are not met, you feel like you get less support than you need, you feel like your partner doesn't listen, and you feel misunderstood a lot of times. With all of these feelings and your emotions all over the place, you failed to notice that having a baby has changed you!

More often, we talk about how having a baby or kids changes us as mothers that we sometimes forget that our partners also go through some changes themselves. Unlike us women who are naturally expressive, most men tend to bottle up their emotions and often times may choose not to talk about how they feel. 

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    He feels neglected 

    The obsession of new moms with their babies is one I can definitely relate to. We get so focused on our baby that our partner may begin to feel the second place and that his needs are neglected. 

    Men get jealous! So don't be surprised he is jealous that your baby gets the most attention and spends more time with you than he does. What's worse? You may have centred all conversations with him mostly around the baby. He may not tell you this because even the thought of it may sound insane to him, especially as the baby needs you the most at this stage.

    I remember my husband, three months after the arrival of our son, telling me that I gave too much attention to our baby. At that time, I argued about how that wasn't true and how he was such a big baby, but when I did think about it deeply, I found that he was right, and his feelings were quite valid.

    The baby is not the problem

    The arrival of the baby may have had an effect on your relationship, but the baby is definitely not the problem here. While you may be dealing with postpartum changes and feelings that come with having a baby, for your partner, the effect of having a baby may manifest in ways like worrying, sleep deprivation, thinking more of his financial responsibilities and putting in more time at work. All these things you both are individually dealing with are enough to affect your relationship. 

    Also, you both probably lack a support system outside of each other, so you empty yourself caring for the baby, and he does so in the extra hours he puts in at work that at the end of the day, you both have nothing to give to each other. So, he feels neglected; you feel less supported. 

    "More often, we talk about how having a baby or kids changes us as mothers that we sometimes forget that our partners also go through some changes themselves."

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    Ways having a baby can affect your relationship 
    #1.    Intimacy may become one-sided

    Taking care of a baby is exhausting! And for a new mom, the last thing on her mind after a busy day of breastfeeding, diaper change, cleaning, amongst other things on her to-do list, maybe being intimate with her spouse. For the man being intimate is a way he wants to feel closer to his partner, but for some women, they may experience a low sexual libido after childbirth, so she may have become uninterested or still healing if she has had an episiotomy. 

    #2.    Less couple time

    Unlike in the past, before the baby and kids started coming, you both spent a lot of time doing things together, going on dates and even going on trips. Add a baby or more kids to this mix, and the idea may seem less exciting, so you probably haven't spent time just by yourselves in months now.

    "Let him see you as his wife, partner, his lover, and not just the mother of his children. You are his wife first before you are the mother to his children."
    Ways to build stronger relationships after the baby comes
    #1.    Communicate your feelings with each other

    Talking and listening to each other and working on your relationship is key at this point. Your feeling as a new mom and his feelings as a new dad are valid. You both have to acknowledge that and find ways to be each other's support at all times.

    #2.    Talk more about each other

    The kids are important but so is your relationship. Aside from talking about the baby or kids, talk to each other about the things that concerns just you two. Ask him about his day, talk about your day as well and the activities you engaged in, don't let the conversation be focused 70 - 100 per cent of the time around the baby.

    #3.    Go on dates

    If you can find someone to babysit, then planning for monthly dates or even weekly dates will do you both a lot of good. Whether it's dining at a restaurant or a drive around town sightseeing just by yourselves, is a great way to enjoy each other’s company without the baby or kids in tow. 

    #4.    Give each other random calls or texts

    While he is at work, something as simple as " I love you, or I appreciate you" goes a long way. Remember, it is the simple things that matter!

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    #5.    Have movie nights together during the weekend after the baby or the kids are in bed 

    A movie or two every weekend will definitely keep the atmosphere relaxed. Hold hands, have some snacks and enjoy movie time.

    #6.    Love each other in your love language

    Do you like quality time? Think of spending more time with your partner doing something you both would enjoy. Words of affirmation? Compliment him/her, tell him/her how wonderful he/she looks or how you love how he/she cares for you and the baby.

    Leave each other notes to say thank you. Is it gifts? Buy each other thoughtful things or give him/ her mind-blowing experiences he/she wouldn't forget in a while. Let each other know the things that he/she does that makes you feel loved and appreciated; this will encourage him/her to do more. 

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    #7.    Be his wife (for the ladies)

    Let him see you as his wife, partner, his lover, and not just the mother of his children. You are his wife first before you are the mother to his children.

    Having a baby can be a tough time, especially for new parents, but it doesn't last forever.

    Now more than ever, you both need each other for support. All the best!

    You know what…Keep Dazzling!


    Mrs. Chidimma Juliet Oladipupo is a mother of two, social media strategist and content creator with a bachelor's degree in Sociology. She is passionate about using social media for good, getting her voice heard and connecting with others. 

    She is the founder of THE MOM CONVERSATION®a motherhood

    blog on Instagram dedicated to highlighting the truth and realities of motherhood. It's also a space she holds conversations and inspires mothers to share their true stories and journeys about motherhood without filters.

    When Chidimma is not writing, researching, reading or creating contents for brands and businesses, she spends time with her kids, brainstorming, bouncing off ideas or have random conversations with her husband. 

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