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You have probably read my other guest articles; if you have not, you can catch up here, here and here. And here too.

I’m a Nigerian and I live in Nigeria; currently, there is an ongoing debate on social media about gender roles and how each gender approaches relationship.

There is this talk that most young women put men under pressure to be and provide what they cannot be or provide for themselves, respectively.

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I agree that this is a common problem with many new generations of young women from my country, and it might be similar to what you find in yours.

Many girls or young women approach relationships as a trade by barter or see the man as an ATM or a milking cow.

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Here's my stand on this

It is a shame and lack of character to expect that your spouse will be your burden bearer let alone a boyfriend.

Let me assume you are not married just like me.

So, you have a boyfriend or you have someone you plan to spend the rest of your life with, or pray for one.

"Whatever you want in your spouse, mirror it so that when you contribute from your values, skills and gifts, you bring synergy to the relationship."

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My question is, while you are waiting, what are you doing with your life?

Are you waiting for someone to come and shoulder the responsibilities of your life?

If that is your mindset—that your spouse will be responsible for everything, you must be a joker and an irresponsible person.

It doesn't work like that

Or you dream of marrying a super-rich or cute guy with six-packs, or a lady that is a doll with good qualities of a wife when you are not even working on your finances or fitness.

It is wrong. You don't wish for what you cannot give.

If you love a man with six-packs or a woman with figure eight, my friend, you don't have a business being pot-bellied with a ‘beer stomach’ or a tummy the size of a pregnant cow.

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"There is this talk that most young women put men under pressure to be and provide what they cannot be or provide for themselves, respectively."

If you want a hardworking man or a good woman, how are you working on yourself to fit into the same standard?

You can't set high standards for the potential spouse while you indulge in mediocrity. That's drudgery and evil.

You expect a man that earns seven figures a month to be the one who puts a ring on it, but all you do every day is gossip and indulge in laziness. I'm not saying you have to match what your spouse earns, which by the way, if you do, isn't bad. All I’m saying is mirror what you want in your spouse. Let's see that you are worth being attracted to by the same standards you put on potential partners.

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You want a neat person; get neat yourself, or start learning to clean up after yourself.

You want someone that can pay for twice a year vacation, start an online job and be able to pay for a time at the mall or cinema. Don't abuse being online.

You want a spouse that can cook, go learn how to make fruit juice and smoothies. This will complement their effort, plus you get to eat healthily.

Whatever you want in your spouse, mirror it so that when you contribute from your values, skills and gifts, you bring synergy to the relationship. This is better than a parasitic relationship that keeps taking from one of the partners without ever giving back.

Don't be a dead sea in your relationship and marriage—complement what you desire.

Esther Okoloeze is a writer, editor and writing life coach. She has been writing for several years now and recently published her first novel, “Red Roses, Stained Glasses” —a contemporary African romance fiction.

Esther loves to read and write stories. Her blog—under rework—filled with personal adventures and inspiring contents on diverse themes is proof of her love for the writing life.

She is the organizer of the Flourishing Writers Webinar®, a quarterly online masterclass for beginner writers in the freelance space to start and grow their career.